The Dark Diviness ,
What even is that?
or should I say who even is that?
I promise you will not want to put HER, yes, I said her! book down.
This is total non-fiction and is in fact a rather detailed account of my 25 years of life to date.
Leave negative judgement at your own front door.
There is a lot of factors that contribute to making me the Dark Divine-ess that I am today.
You will be an absolute awe when you come to terms with the magnitude of pain that has been endured to become the masterpiece that I can proudly claim to be today.
As per the photos attached to this post you can see that that from head to toe my body is adorned in nothing but jet black.
The reason being – number #1 dark, like my soul- number #2, it is the color of protection and banishing negative energy.
It is a color that absorbs all negativity around you.
Then it’s your will that brings the rest of the magic into action.
This is where my unique recipe of transmuting all this energy into, nothing but power.
From pain to power! from darkness to light!
As the saying goes looks can be deceiving but I’m sure that these pictures encompass all that is dark and light about me.
This photo was taken 2-3 weeks before I was incarcerated, yes! incarcerated for merely exercising my rights, I was on the brink of my major breakthrough only for it to be delayed by the will of our, in just, justice system. But yet she still stands and will continue to do so forever more!
Whilst been imprisoned for making myself a life and keep my strong mind afloat.
Even if it would kill me.
You can imagine how this effected my wellbeing, however the lessons I learned during this time were absolutely priceless.
In all my most challenging moments, emotionally and mentally, the lesson learned was that I could not change the reaction of others only the how I reacted.
This wisdom was absolutely required for the next few stages and challenges that my life would present.
Weeks after my release I was unlawfully arrested again!
This time in the middle of Queen St., Auckland
.. I was asked the following question, do you mind if we have a look through your vehicle? to which my response was, yes, I do!
I started my car quickly and drove away calmly not in the manner of intending high pursuit.
They tried to apprehend me at the top of Queen St. a major intersection.
This I evaded like an absolute boss my quick reflexes kicked in and, in that moment, I was safe and secured for the next five minutes that followed.
As I tailed a bus that was in transit straight up the middle of Queen St., road spikes were tossed to no avail.
As I approached a four-way intersection I was bombarded by multiple police vehicles.
Every single thought every touchy emotion surged through my body I knew exactly what would happen.
I braced myself and remained poised.
I knew I’d have to be for what would follow this terrifying moment.
My car was suddenly surrounded in Police, I recall looking back towards my right shoulder, quickly registering all 5 windows being attacked at full force.
The expressions on all their faces – pure satisfaction the angry kind, as my passenger and driver’s window simultaneously shattered. My windscreen still being attacked violently.
They brutally restrained my right arm and twisting my whole body towards the other window.
Pointing pepper spray at me yelling “Hurry up! and get out of the car!!!”
What looked like 20 officers in total, surrounding me all looked at me with a bloody thirsty glare.
At this point the entire front seat was absolutely covered in shattered glass.
All through my hair in my gumboots, on the seats as I am abruptly shoved out the passenger’s side.
Slammed on to the ground.
“C.N.R’d” as they say.
Handcuffed yanked up and smashed into the back seat of a police vehicle.
Supple enough not to be injured.
I admire my composure in these intense moments, judging by all their facial expressions it was internally and externally taking place in slow motion.
I stayed absolutely calm, showed no signs of panic nor shock! and sat relaxed as possible with a somewhat vacant expression.
Taking notes of their responses.
The cuffs cold and stiff around my wrists, up my back.
With the chaotic environment blocked out of all senses, except my sight.
All went silent, the quicker it took place the slower the slides seemed to move in my memory.
I glanced out the window to my left and noticed it being filmed. After all it was the middle of Queen St. around 5:30pm on a Thursday.
A man gave me a hand gesture? asking if I was okay!!? to which I shook my head in response affirmatively.
I had faith, that I would be after all this drama.
I had become accustomed to these sorts of things sustaining as little harm as possible.
I was arrested and in custody.
The officers entered the vehicle and quickly drive off.
My focus set on my smashed up, abandoned car.
The last thing I had my sight set on as we exited the scene swiftly.
I remained freakishly silent as I was taunted and mocked, all the way to the station.
Their vulgar reactions unfazed me, their remarks bouncing right back at them.
I said nothing.
Just observed! – repressing how proud I was of myself in this event.
Noticing how far I had come.
Surprised at myself, in the past I would have been so over-whelmed and would have felt overloaded.
I most definitely would have exploded abruptly in anger too.
It would have been way too much, but now, now I strong enough to be cool, calm and collected and present in the moment.
By the time we reached the station, the intensity had died down.
As I was put into the holding cells.
I asked humbly to see and speak to a lawyer.
To which I received no response.
Minutes later, someone I knew was dragged into the search area with an ambulance on stand by.
Something seemed way off.
He was absolutely limp.
Unresponsive.
Shell Shocking.
He was so battered, so much so he was totally unaware of my presence. He was f**ked up and still they forcefully handled him.
I was not the only one.
At this rate, there had to be more that were disgustingly mishandled as I was that day.
And to think that this as most likely a daily occurrence.
This truth, this reality irked me more and more, encounter after encounter.
More and more flaws were uncovered in front of my eyes.
Horrified at the number of flaws I witnessed.
Just like every other incident.
Reading the four slogans in that police station I was filled with a very familiar unsettling felling in my stomach.
The feeling of being victim to yet another power trip.
The hypocrisies evident left, right, up, down – directly in front of me.
Still I did not let my temper boil.
it was merely on a slow, calculated and controlled simmer as I began to imagine solutions for each possible outcome.
For the next 45 minutes, I lay on the cold concrete with my hood over my head and allowed all my pent-up emotions to fill my body.
Each new feeling giving me insightful previews of what was yet to come.
I was outraged that day to see such anger from the authorities of which are meant to keep us safe.
Safeguard us from these sorts of things.
I had seen some pretty gnarly stuff but this day, this day was by far the most defining.
As my life had its fair share of these types of things just with more undesirable characters as the common person refer.
However, not once had I been subject to any incident like this in the presence of “Gangsters”.
Not once had they ever approached me in this manner.
Nor would they ever inflict this much damage towards me! – this realization bothered me the most.
You see if it were anyone else, I guarantee! they would not have reacted in the same way I did.
I had in the past been that traumatized that my body, mind and emotions seemed to not even be shaken by any of it.
I was totally numb!
Couldn’t feel a thing.
The only issue I had was being asked, do you mind if we search your vehicle?
I actually minded that a whole lot.
For the most unlikely reason.
I was not alarmed due to concerns of the content but actually because of prior incidents with the police.
Before being imprisoned some 7 months ago or so now, my vehicle was impounded and to which the “system” those left in charge had mysteriously lost my car keys.
Therefore, the penalty to replacing the keys and paying the holding price for my vehicle to be released.
And now the cost of replacing all these windows, especially without insurance.
Then I had just begun making the necessary steps to some stability, building a new foundation from scratch… AGAIN.
I was released with absolutely nothing!
Just as most of those who are released from prison.
I had to start from ground 0 -again! amongst the natural chaos of Life itself … so all of what I owned at the time was in my car.
I did not trust the Police.
Had not trusted them for quite some time now.
Ever since their involvement during my previous relationship.
My perspectives and opinions drastically changed
They had let me down many times!
As far as i was concerned they are manipulating in all the worst ways, {all those that do their job pardoned} – I felt! that I somewhat had to take a stand for the few things I still had.
+ Plus, my vehicle the only actual asset- and kind of like HOME.
It was the bare minimum to which all was impounded and withheld to my great disadvantage.
I was detained briefly.
My car was impounded.
I was released with a court date and that was absolutely it.
My sacrifice for sticking up for myself left me absolutely helpless again.
I was very familiar with this feeling!
I headed out the back door with very little direction and out into the unknown as I was not familiar of that part of Auckland.
Preparing myself for another long night.
An even longer one then usual.
At the least I grateful I wasn’t being held in custody.
As I headed back toward the city, with no phone, no money, no I.d – absolutely NOTHING!
The frustration of this dilemma began to kick in.
Once again, my lifelines felt distant maybe even nonexistent, but I knew I would survive it in the end.
As my resilience, bravery and fearlessness in this situation may denote I was not a new hand to this.
Countless times I had found myself in this predicament for various reasons.
I knew I would be alright! – eventually anyway!
Bittersweet thoughts began springing to mind.
All the good things that had taken place for me! only to be taken or delayed by ridiculousness like this in an instant.
Earlier on before I was in jail.
I was pursuing modelling and on the verge of making some exciting career developments, building a business from the ground up.
Might I also add that in my early teens I had developed a complex, because others would say “Aww! Your beautiful, you should be a model!”
Too which my mother would respond “What clay modelling!”
So, it was a momentous achievement for me.
I was facing my fears, healing my inner child wounds.
Then lost it all because I lacked security.
I didn’t have anyone I could trust.
Let alone anyone who genuinely cared enough, to even leave my stuff alone.
It was practically a free for all – $1000s and $1000s of dollars’ worth of equipment, art, materials.
Poof! gone just like that.
Into thin air.
If only I was in a position to provide myself stability.
Relying on others unfortunately for somewhere to stay.
Even though I have always seemed like my life was all together evidently it was not.
I exposed myself to the same advantageous people, the same bottom feeders, the same toxicity of pro-social connections.
This was my downfall for quite some time.
They only seen me as their next meal ticket.
Knowing that ” Oh well, she’ll just go and get it again.”
– damn opportunists!
Better described as sea gulls.
Nobody ever took into account how hard I had worked just to get the basics let alone; certain things that appeared luxurious.
Some days, there was no food.
So, id feed them – even though most times I could not afford to feed myself.
Some days basic necessities were skint, so I would provide them.
I felt as if I had too anyway.
Regardless,
I would always provide, provide, PROVIDE!
Sometimes providing myself with what I required knowing full well that they will just waste it.
Just because!
Id literally busted my azz to get them, I no doubt deserved it.
During my time inside, it left me feeling so unappreciated.
Disrespected,
Violated you could even say, so much so on some days that the dark cloud that loomed overhead stayed abit longer than usual.
Still, I utilized my own set of unique skills to get through these gloomy days.
It became the longest three months on record.
I missed my daughter’s 4th birthday,
Didn’t even get to say it!
Let alone communicate for a very long time due to miss haps in the administration of number approvals and so on.
My family,
Even came to visit but because the prison takes forever to process any sort of paperwork did not get to take place.
“Uggghh!” -Another stab in the heart!
I was completely cut off from the outside world, very little next to no comfort to cling too!
I was alone!
As per usual combatting my own demons and dragons.
Fighting inner battles bigger then World War 1 and 2! put together.
Yet I still always found a way to remain somewhat happy.
Or even just to appear that way.
My ability to remain optimistic in troubled times is second to none.
This goes back quite some time! – as I acknowledge now was one of my many tools and or assets that ensured my survival and resilience.
I had this thirst to Live!
Why did it feel almost illegal to be alive!?
Let alone live?!
Why did it seem like such a hard ask?!!!
For 25 years it had been nothing but hurdle after hurdle,
Marathon after marathon!
Almost never needing!
Still, I would always bet on myself.
I would always go all in on myself.
Win or lose.
I would always fall forward.
I would always be one step better off then I was before.
If I knew then what I know now,
Obviously, the results would be different.
But I also would not have the wisdom or experience of overcoming these rifling challenges.
Back then was my day-to-day life.
I would then have to form a new plan and change my perspective.
I am able to identify why I allowed others to treat me this way?
and how to prevent it later on down the track. I had always been a people pleaser, my need to make others feel good meant that the feeling of instant validation was this cycle I had found myself in. Over and over again!
The only thing I had going for me at that time not to mention through it all was that I was always compassionate.
I was a giver rather than a receiver,
As the laws of attraction would have it that’s why it was relatively easy for me to receive.
It was just very difficult to draw these fine lines let alone begin exercising boundaries.
And like most things in my life, I learned the hard way.
Quite often the hardest way!
If no one was going to treat me with the respect I knew I deserved, then I would have to give myself the respect!
…and start being kinder to myself.
My number one priority became being more “selfish” – meaning giving more to myself rather than others.
Not being so available. Self-less was out and Self-Love and Care were in. It meant releasing old, outdated habits and replacing them with healthy and abundant routines.
I began creating my own rituals,
Living by my own routines,
Tapping more into my higher self then the mayhem around me.
My ability to detach from things,
People and situations grew more adept.
How others reacted was not my problem,
How others felt about certain things was not my problem.
My priority was taking note of how they made me feel, getting in control of my own thoughts and emotions.
As I faced all of my hardest times alone,
This became easier and easier over time because I was now committed!! 100% committed to my growth,
To my own success,
And to the prospect of living in freedom financially,
Socially and most of all happily.
All I wanted was,
My own space,
My own house,
My family re-united and happy again – it had been 2 and half years and I was still on my personal journey to finding myself and making my dreams a reality.
The simple things in life are taking for granted way too much in this day and age.
People were so selfish,
So greedy, they found pleasure in denying or preventing any of these things taking place in my life.
The only way I navigated my way through this was by having a simple beliefs system.
Always finding the silver linings in all these situations, every time another odd was stacked against me I always found a way to overcome it.
By deleting all negativity from my life, it became easier and easier to gain clarity!
It became easier and easier to trust myself rather than others selling dreams.
Then being alone didn’t seem so bad,
I realized why I had been alone my entire life and instead of never wanting to be alone I found myself wanting to be alone more AND MORE.
Only then could I be alone with my thoughts,
My feelings,
My imagination and my very own vision.
Only then were solutions arising to each issue.
This was possible because instead of taking time to fix the situation around me I began to take more interest on fixing myself.
Gratitude’s and scripting became beneficial to my new relationship with myself.
I began writing poems on how I felt because I found it difficult to voice how I felt and why?
But it was easier to give those emotions metaphorical fictions as dragons – the moon – the tide and soon enough all negative emotions had been transformed into new sensations that uplifted me rather than feeling down.
I then realized I was on a quest to empower myself – since I couldn’t rely on anyone else to do so.
I would have to do it myself just like everything else.
By now my heart was ultimately wise, Afterall this was only the tip of the iceberg!
I had already endured exceedingly large amounts of pain.
I wish I could see then that my ability to never admit defeat!
Too never give up on myself, to always get back up and keep going would be one of my most recognized talents.
Diversity as a child had taught me to stay in my own lane as they say, especially since no one really enjoyed being in my lane anyway. I have always had a knack for being the total opposite and finding enjoyment with very “different” activities to others my own age.
Only to realize later on that these were all part of my preparation, definitely not punishment.
To think and know that I have always been a Wild Flower,
In the making and never being able to see it myself till rather recently is shocking.
My self-confidence and worth had been nonexistent to me infact it was something I struggled with immensely.
I found it difficult to get out of my comfort zone let alone perform tasks that others seemed to do with ease.
One cannot fake what I have embodied because this is only gained when overcoming the darkness.
Hence my self given title, the Dark Diviness- it is she whom has overcome the Dark,
Despite every odd being stacked against her.
In all honesty I’m a “real” journalist’s field day.
I believe that all this hardship came about through karmic debt passed down through generation.
Today I can proudly say that I broke through this darkness, and I am so damn proud of myself for doing so.
From then till right now in this moment, I have focused on nothing or anyone but me!
Once upon a time, I never gave myself the recognition or acknowledgement that I do today.
The battles that I have fought and won are outstanding.
The demons that I devoured and left no crumbs.
To sum up this tip of the iceberg as I like to call it,
I share with you one of my poems.
Titled “A Heart of Gold and more” written at one of my hardest obstacles to overcome.
A heart so fearless,
brave,
and more.
Heavily jaded,
but golden and pure.
A soul so fierce,
with an eternal flame,
so colorful and raw.
All that I do timeless and bold,
a bounty so rich right down to its core.
A grip so tight,
Resilient never folding,
always assertive and sure.
My prestige the high ticket,
never could be sold nor bought,
my very own law.
A CustomBuilt character never abided by the mold,
carved with opulence stemming from wrath once galore.
A love so pure,
tempered never cold,
abundant for sure.
A legacy alchemized from persecution,
my side to be told,
updating the score.
Claiming back my power,
kept receipts on hold,
to be restored.
Boundaries enforced,
self-perseveration my priority,
disrespect scolded,
no longer ignored.
The price I have paid,
redeemed in full,
her heart the richest treasure of all.
A heart so defined,
pure gold,
solid but rough,
Rugger’d and raw.
You could not ask for anything more.
From then to now, life has but again changed.
And continues to change gradually in major ways.
My progress is my priority.
My focus.
I now look at life and all of the things that have happened with appreciation rather than negativity.
The very things sent to break me, definitely MADE me.
Along with my upbringing on the East Coast, the experience and life skills still serve me to this day.
Inspired,
Cultured,
Adventurous.
The places I have been the people that I have met.
All taught me something in one way or another.
Good or Bad
Talented,
Gifted and ambitious.
Worn many hats in my 25 years.
Believe it or not.
Dynamic,
Do or die,
A classic,
Ride or Die Capricorn
Along with all the attributes, all the fancy bells and whistles.
A loner,
An aspiring Entrepeneur {Even though I ran and owned my own small business at the age of 15} A young woman that has dedicated her life to her own growth and development as well as that of others.
A reader, A Writer- About to launch her version of creative content.
After all these years I have finally found a way to express myself in ways that my younger self would have never imagined.
The magic of picking up a pen or pencil and unleashing over a piece of paper is totally underrated.
I implore others to live more intentionally and to become more aware of the micros to macros.
Little things eventually become big things.
Especially, since most times books and writing were my only escape from the darkness that once loomed within.
From the moment I was born, The Universe really put it on me.
Nothing that I would not grab by the horns and ride all the way home, however.
1 tough Cookie.
An only child, that longed for nothing but deep connections of love at the depth that she has always given.
Manipulated,
Disempowered,
And power tripped by those closest to me.
In actual fact, it is a true wonder that my sanity, heart and soul are all still intact.
I had become the ultimate money magnet for others to walk all over.
Just as Medusa was made out to be a Monster, so had I!
Everyone has hated how loud my trauma has been, yet I still wear it beautifully in its richest form.
They cannot believe that I had the audacity to take any of this sh*t lying down.
So I became that audacity.
And since they tried to make a war ground of my body, it is now my time to shoot my greatest shot and make one of all of theirs.
Not only do I do this religiously for myself.
But I do it so, my daughters do not have to endure the same battles that I have.
So that they will have the security and shelter of my umbrella.
I do it because I am an only Daughter,
A mother,
A cousin and an Aunty who wishes to leave a legacy of love despite everything that was sent to ruin me.
I do it in hope of one day finding the love that will reciprocate mine and support me while I venture into a new dawn and future with the family I always dreamed of loving.
I intend to impact others – The World with my Life Story.
Just as it has inspired me.
Please tell me what you think.
I hope you enjoy a slice of my very own homemade paradise.
Understandably this is not the easiest of times to share with the world, but it very much so seemed well overdue.
If only the world knew what it took to become the muse.
You can expect me to come back with more after all, it’s time to update the score.
For once I give myself the validation and admiration that I have never given before.
Credited to myself,
I will always come back with more.
I hope that this snippet is beneficial in helping others that face tough times and inspires them to keep their head held high.
And all judgements, analyzed wisely.
Myself of all people understand and have finally created this platform to share my wisdom with others.
I am grateful for the opportunity to showcase my past,
Present
and Future.
So, stay tuned for what’s to come.
As I like to say, ‘Bringing you nothing but the best of both worlds.”
till next time….
Yours Truly.
The Dark Diviness
